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peitan

[一日一囧:] 糗事一箩筐0312

1.小时候,俩同学约架,放学等着,等着就等着。@捧腹网 放学后俩人经过血战A把B放倒压在下面,B在底下各种反抗,A在上面各种压制。半小时后,B说你先放开我,我去尿尿,A说放了你,你跑了怎么办B说保证不跑.A就放开B让他去尿了。B尿完回来找到原来位置趴下,A上去压住他,俩人又开始了新的一轮战争。现在想想小时候都那么纯洁。

2.抱闺女下楼晒太阳,一女孩抱了小狗。问我闺女多大我说三个多月了,她冲着怀里的狗说哎呀你比她大耶她是妹妹哦。我不悦但忍了一把。然后她又对狗说你看看是你漂亮还是妹妹漂亮?我怒!但笑着问她:你是顺产还是剖腹产啊?她愣了一下,然后怒气冲冲的抱着狗走了…

3.刚我出来,跑到一个小摊对大爷说:我要一瓶加多宝。大爷在冰箱里面翻了很久,估计是卖完了。他拿出一瓶和其正递给我,并说了一个我现在都无法相信的谎言:加多宝改名叫和其正了……我掏出钱,拿着就走了……

4.你们都太小瞧张震这个演员了。拍<赤壁>为演孙权他熟读三国;拍<建党伟业>他又把民国史熟记于心;拍<深海寻人>他考了PADI潜水执照;拍<吴清源>他的围棋能压制专业三段;<一代宗师>杀青他拿了全国八极拳冠军;网友神回复:幸亏他没接拍<大太监>

5.我们大一新生住一楼,晚上经常在一起打扑克到很晚。烟不够了就跳窗户去买,会少走很多路……大二开学搬四楼了,晚上打牌烟又不够了,老二站起来说我去买,然后非常矫健的翻过窗户出去了……

6.我高一的班主任是个男的,姓邱,那时刚开学卫生评比挺严的,他不放心自己来监督。不知道怎么,每次只要有值日生忘了擦走廊瓷砖隔天都会被他抓住,从无遗漏,大家都觉得一定是有人打小报告……一直到后来,真相才被一个同学不经意间撞破。原来,他每天放学都会偷偷地挖块鼻屎黏在某块瓷砖上,如果第二天鼻屎还在,那就是值日生偷懒……最后知道真相的我们眼泪掉下来……

7.高中有位洁癖君,衣服鞋子干净得一尘不染就算了,每节课下课后必然要去用肥皂洗手。有一天我突发奇想,贱贱的跑到他跟前说:“你有个地方没洗干净。”他特别惶恐的说:“哪儿?哪儿!!”我说:“你肚子里全是屎。”留下他错愕的表情哥淡然离开,后来听说他那天吐了。。。

8.今天我看见外甥光着屁股在厨房门口哭。我抱他坐我腿上玩一会后问为什么哭?他说:刚便便了没人擦……

9.记得又一次,在回家的路上,我经历了无数的诱惑!一群发廊洗头妹向我招手,我视若无睹;一群足疗保健妹向我抛眉眼,我无动于衷;一个丐帮弟子向我求助,我横眉冷对!我对着这个灯红酒绿的世界深深叹了口气:“我他妈兜里有钱多好啊!”

10. “粑粑,FBI是什么意思呢?” “是美国联邦调查局的英文简称。” “WAR-NING呢?” “是警告的意思。” “那连起来是什么意思呢?” “你个小兔崽子再敢翻我电脑E盘里的东西信不 信我打死你。”…

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